2006

I started writing my resolutions, the not-so-serious ones, in my other blog, and tonight, as I try to drown out the sound of the menacing videoke machine (yes, the prurient gargantuan monster courtesy of my prurient gargantuan brother) I am quite determined to draw up a few more things I'd like to accomplish in 2006. Seriously.

As I've written previously, and as some people closest to me know, I've recently been (am still going?) through a period of intense pruning that's served its intended purpose of laying me flat on my back and keeping me down on my knees. God's had a lot of things to say to me recently, but He needed to take me through the painful process of emptying myself in order to receive His fullness. Just when I thought I'd had it all figured out, He cast His blinding light on certain areas of my life I never realized I had such a tight grip on. And when He asked me to loose them, and unconditionally release them to Him, how surprised I was to find myself resisting initially, especially when at the start of my mission I'd promised Him anything He asked of me, and more! I thought it would be too hurtful, too drastic, too difficult and devastating to give back to Him the very dreams and desires that I thought He'd always wanted for me, but once I started to surrender, the submission became so very sweet. How could I doubt His infinite wisdom for one second? How could I believe that I knew better than the One who wills only the best? And yet I apparently did, by relying on my own devices instead of yielding everything to Him, consequently losing focus on the One I should be giving my whole heart, soul, mind, and strength to. Guess it's still that control freak in me that He's trying to break down...and bless Him for that!

Anyway, in the last few days - when once again He left me with the all-too familiar weakness and fragile brokenness that has no recourse but to trust entirely in Him in every step I take - He's shown me once again what it means to walk in His light and according to His will, and what it's like to stray. He's taken me further out into the deep, and enabled me to do what I'd never have dreamed of doing before, just because I followed His directions.

Tomorrow, my "resolutions"...the impossible that will be made possible by His grace. I'd written them down earlier, but a glitch erased most of this entry, so I guess they need to be further "refined" before public consumption.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! And yes, right now I can honestly say I actually AM happy :-)

Thanks

We don't celebrate Thanksgiving in this country, so the Christmas-New Year season is traditionally the time to be grateful for blessings received during the year that was. I've been meaning to write down the many things that have been given me in 2005 and which I am grateful for, but a friend beat me to it, so much for originality, hehe.

Ironically, this is also traditionally the time of year when I'm most "disturbed" - there's something about the end of the year that triggers some sort of emotional imbalance that teeters between the blues and the reds and the blahs. This year is no different, except that since my renewal, I've learned to cling to the Captain of the boat through turbulent tides. And He's always pulled me through each rocky encounter with the storm and the waves, with lessons hopefully learned and faith always strengthened. This year, in particular, with no "work" to be done and no mission "duties" to occupy my time, He and I have engaged in some very excruciating one-to-ones, especially during moments when I've been weakened beyond compare...but it is precisely these moments, when my will is broken and I find myself exhausted from (unwittingly) wrestling with Him over areas in my life I apparently have not surrendered to Him, that make me utterly dependent upon God. These are the growing-pain moments, the pruning and chastening opportunities, which although sometimes debilitating, we must submit to, if the Master is to have His perfect way. And for this, even through the pain, I am grateful. He has never done me wrong...for He is faithful, even when I am not.

Second, I am thankful for faithful friends, who have been there and who I know will always be there for me. I take care of too many people: I try to be strong for others when they are weak, and sometimes I wonder who will take care of me when I need healing, comfort, and strength. God takes care of me, first and foremost - and He also takes care of me through the handful of friends who know me inside-out, who put up with my craziness, and who nurse me back to "health," even by the ministry of their mere presence. This season, I am particularly grateful for that tremendous blessing - even if I myself have not been much of a friend as I would like to be or a ministering presence towards them because of the "busy-ness" of the year. I know I can run into the arms of these people and be vulnerable and bleed all over them and still, always, be loved despite the mess I make on their clothes and carpet. :-) God has ways of keeping me sane in this crazy world, and these friends of mine - particularly in the last few difficult days, Rhia, Neil, and Neyney - are a big part of stabilizing my mental, emotional, and spiritual health!

Third, I am thankful for the mission I have been "assigned." Oftentimes there is only just enough light for the next step, but He has given me a general idea of what I must do. All I need to do in response is listen for His day-to-day directions. Otherwise, I completely steer off-course...and then He needs to set me back down and put me back on track. Just like He usually does at the end of the year :-) I either run too fast ahead and need to be reined in, or lag too far behind. May I walk hand-in-hand, shoulder-to-shoulder with, or even better, be always led by Him - that way I can't go wrong!

Fourth, I am thankful for the stars in the sky that shine brightest when the night is darkest. :-)

Many more things to say "thank You!" for and reasons to say "I love You!" but I'm going to call it a night.

Thank You. I love You. :-)

Love and Luv

A little truth I just stumbled upon this morning after an intense discussion last night on the subject of “love”: it is so much easier to LOVE when you are not “in love” – you have no expectations, no pretensions, no defense mechanisms or protective walls, no machinations or manipulations just to ensure you get back what you give out. With that kind of love (as opposed to the falling-in-love type of “luv”), you have little or no regard for your own self and how vulnerable it can get, and instead can genuinely give to the other LOVE, without expecting to receive it. And today, one day before Christmas, I think I finally understand for real what that kind of constant, selfless, undemanding love is like: it’s the love of God, who is not “in love” with us (because then He could otherwise be “out of love”) but who LOVES us with an unquestioning, unconditional love He expects us to love others with. Even those - especially those - we think we might "luv."

“Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:3-4

Amen. May God grant me that kind of LOVE for Christmas.

Christmas Reading

What a season it's been so far - been rollercoasting down the spiritual highway with all its ups and downs and scary-heart-in-your-throat moments, but I am grateful for the blessings of His faithfulness and love, even when sometimes you're too tired and weak inside to even smile in acknowledgment. But His love, hope, and forgiveness will always be triumphant in the end.

Here's some of the spiritual reading I've started over the holiday season; next to scripture, these books have served to remind me of the One I serve and love:

The Way of Ecstacy - Praying With Teresa of Avila, by Peter Tyler. "The Way of Ecstasy is a clear and accessible introduction to Teresa of Avila, as well as a beginner's guide to prayer. Using Teresa's book The Interior Castle as a guide, Peter Tyler escorts readers through the basics of a well-grounded prayer life. Teresa's image of the castle with its seven mansions and Christ himself waiting at the center form a perfect analogy of the journey of the human soul toward God, the states of spiritual growth through which we will reach our goal, and the difficulties we will encounter along the way."

The Simple Path, by Mother Teresa. "We have all been created for greater things -- to love and to be loved. Love is love -- to love a person without any conditions, without any expectations. Works of love are works of peace and purity. Works of love are always a means of Becoming closer to God, so the more we help each other, the more we really love God better by loving each other. Jesus very clearly said, 'Love one another as I have loved you,' Love in action is what gives us grace. We pray and, if we are able to love with a whole heart, then we will see the need. Those who are unwanted, unloved, and uncared for become just a throwaway of society -that's why we must really make everybody feel wanted." (Finished 27 December 2005)

Just Enough Light For The Step I'm On, by Stormie Omartian. "Learning to walk with God is a journey. The questions and directions in this prayer and study guide will help you to examine your walk with God and do what is necessary to strengthen, deepen, and enhance it. As you walk in faith through difficult times, this prayerful workbook will help you see how faithfully God’s light attends each step and moment of your life."

The Least Wanted

God has been gracious in His revelations as of late; He's been speaking to me more clearly in the last week, even above the hubbub and chaos of all the Christmas parties for the kids and my personal holiday activities.

Just over the weekend, He revealed a new "sub"-direction in the calling I've been pursuing; again, as always, the clarity of His message was so sheerly overwhelming that I found myself sobbing like a child even while en route to a party.

Last Saturday, during the Project 6 Christmas party, a mother who I'd never seen before approached me with her sick child - the little girl looked so tired and so very sleepy that she seemed to be falling asleep on her feet. Good thing my sister Mia the doctor was there, and she immediately recognized the symptoms as the advanced stage of an asthma attack. The child was not sleepy - her eyes were rolling back in her head and her flared nostrils meant that she was trying desperately to breathe in through her nose the air that her lungs could not take in. Mia immediately carried her into the Center and attempted to nebulize the toddler, who did not find the treatment comfortable at all! How she cried and screamed as the nebulizer was held over her nose and mouth...but that was a far better situation than being near death without precious air coursing through her system. We ran out of nebules and I had to buy more, and then Mia went off to get an even stronger dosage, but Valerie was still having a very difficult time despite the treatment. Her mother proved to be little comfort - we were to find out through Vanessa, another child and Valerie's neighbor, that she was constantly beaten. The bruise on her forehead showed the extent of the abuse; the fact that she was brought to us in a near-death condition was chillingly telling. For goodness' sake, her mother, after delivering her to us for treatment, promptly left Valerie at the Center, with Vanessa's mother anxiously waiting outside. Mia went to fetch more medicine for Valerie, who fell in and out of an exhausted sleep, and was being watched over by a quartet of concerned children - Vanessa, Gracia, Maricar, Mary - who both comforted and restrained her during treatment. I wanted to cry for sheer frustration and out of an overwhelming sense of compassion; we all made "friends" with the child later on, during a break in the treatment, when I offered her toys and cookies and the kids buoyed her on with kind words. Much later, I was left alone in the office with her, watching her labored, difficult breathing as she slept on. I couldn't do anything but serenade her with the few songs that I knew to play on the guitar, and as I did, I thought of the Christ Child, abandoned and unwanted by a world which sought His death at an early age. This was my Lord, in this broken, abandoned, unwanted child. But at least Christ had a loving Mother and a responsible adoptive father, and Valerie did not even have that privilege. And all I wanted to do was to take her away from her sorry situation and make her feel that she was loved. That's the least a 3-year old deserves...someone else's LOVE.

Later I had to leave Valerie alone, under the watchful eye of household Kuya Toto, because we were short on volunteers and needed to chaperone a group of 50 kids to another party sponsored by a TV network (Kuya Joe Dean had to pick up some donations, and another group of kids had a simultaneous Christmas party at another location, so that took away the remainder of our mission staff). After the festivities, and when we returned to the Center, we found ourselves in the middle of our worst nightmare: one of the kids had gone missing. Juwip, Mike, Joy, and Arnold drove back to Parks and Wildlife to search for the missing child; Nora and I stayed at the Center trying to make contact with anyone who would have an idea where he was and figuring out where the heck he could have run off to. After an agonizing period wrought with prayer and worries that 8-year old Emman might have fallen into the Wildlife lagoon or been abducted, and a CSI-type conversation with the boy's aunt, I asked Juwip et al. to swing by KFC Congressional, where the boy's older brothers would hang out and beg for Christmas alms. And, praise God, that's where they found him! Apparently he'd run off after being brought to the Center, and headed out to try to make a quick buck. The entire time that he went missing, I had been praying, buoyed by the confidence that God would make all things work for the good of those who loved Him, but also with the conscious realization that He had put His flock of little ones under our care, and that we should not lose any of them. And that we should be extra watchful of those He has entrusted to us.

As I reflected upon all of these circumstances yesterday evening, God spoke into my heart and directed me towards a more specific path I believe I have to follow in my calling: He wants me to love the least loved, to care for the least wanted. There are many poor children He's brought into my life, who I love and care for and some of whom are loved and cared for by their own humble families, but I have the strongest sense that He wants me to love and care for those who lack love and care the most. He wants me - He wants us! - to want the unwanted, because He does; to love the unloved, because He does. Because the only way they can be wanted, and loved, is through us. God bless us all.

My Food Blog

Yes, I have finally succumbed to the temptation of putting up yet another blog, this time specifically about my kitchen ministry and food and feeding the multitudes and not-so-top secret recipes revealed (He Kare-Kares, for instance). Let's have Lunch With The Lord, shall we?

My Montalban Gets A Face-Lift

My dear, if i wasn't a very strong man, i would cry reading your mail. im so happy for you about your mission in montalban, you are the one who discover montalban and who open the mission there and now you are there. its so nice. i remember my dream to work only in montalban. it was a dream and you fulfil it i know it was your dream... si its just. my life is no there. your life is there. thats god will.

The first part (unedited) of a long, emotional e-mail from my first "mission partner" and good friend, who, by God's mysterious design and circumstance, had to cut short his mission in this country and return to Europe. It's hard to believe that it's been more than a year since that first night we went up to the hills, when God made me realize exactly what a blessing this place and its people would be in my life. I like to call it "my Montalban," for I've seen its evolution, from the very first day we followed "our" families up there after their homes were demolished, to the days when we had to make do without electricity or water, to the days of despair and depression...

God always becomes real to me in the way He changes people's lives...and I've been so privileged to witness so many, many lives transformed by His grace. His hand and His handiwork are apparent whenever a streetchild, who has allowed the love of God, as channeled through a caring Christian, to penetrate his scarred and wounded heart and finally begin to see his worth as a child of the Almighty, beloved and beautiful in the Father's eyes, and to change his life in loving response. It's the same thing with the "village" in Montalban - from a depressing, desolate, desperate place of "exile," it has become a city of hope. A city of God, according to Gari, one of our friends who went up with us last Sunday to document the miracles that were taking place in "my" Montalban.

Our God is a God not only of providence, but of abundance...He removed these people from the only homes they knew - kicking and screaming perhaps in the beginning - and put them under real roofs, within four walls that would not collapse in the storm, in homes they could call their own and pass down to their children. But He did not end there. He provided them with means of making a living through concerned Christians eager to share their skills, so that the villagers would no longer return to the hovels and makeshift shanties of Quezon City. He gave their children a better chance at a quality education, since public teachers in the provinces are more dedicated and less stressed-out than their Manila counterparts. He sent His laborers up to the hills to deliver the Good News at least once a week, to assure the "diaspora" children that they would never be abandoned. And, this Christmas, He beautified His people's humble homes through the efforts and generosity of fellow Christians who wanted to make "my Montalban" a better place to live in.

Vince would probably shed buckets of tears if he could see what "our" Montalban is turning out to be. I know I do...because the assurance and confirmation that God is alive and well, and loves His children very, very much, would bring anyone to weep in sheer awe and gratitude. "My Montalban." I wonder what it will look like next year. I can't wait. :-)

Doing God's Will...Not Just Talking About It

From my confessor Father Jboy's blog (his homily on yesterday's Gospel on the two sons and their two responses). One of the saddest things is that many of us dyed-in-the-wool Christians spend too much time reflecting and preaching and proselytizing without actually acting upon the words we say.

"The question of Jesus about who among them eventually does God’s will gives us an insight on what is ultimately important: doing God’s will. It is the importance accorded to action over plans and resolutions written on paper. The teaching of Jesus is primarily meant to be lived out, to be put into action. Reflections are useful only when it is carried on in reality. It is therefore not enough to make new resolutions or promises, to put beautiful projects on documents, or to memorize the Church’s encyclicals. Without action, all these words are plain fiction. In the Season of Advent, we are asked to look back and focus on the promises we broke, the resolutions we left on paper, and the commitments we left undone. And then put all of them into motion."

So Happy...

Just been so joyful and happy the last few days...Christmas is really coming along. Nice change from the melancholy moodswings that preceded this week - am just basking in God's love and His graces and His blessings. Sigh. :-) Makes me want to sing one of my favorite songs from the old days:

In Your presence
There is fullness of joy
At Your right hand
There are pleasures evermore
You surround us, with Your favor O Lord
The earth is full of Your goodness
The earth is filled with Your love
Exceedingly, abundantly
Far above all we could ever ask or think
Exceedingly, abundantly
You give us all things to enjoy!

Ahhh. May His grace continue to bring this kind of joy and peace, something the world cannot give!

On Love

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep,
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire,
that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart,
and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say,
'God is in my heart,' but rather,
'I am in the heart of God.'
And think not you can direct the course of love,
for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night,
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

- Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

He Loved The Hills Best

It's been a while since I opened the Streams in the Desert devotional, but yesterday's entry, on "Who Is Leading," struck home. But even more striking was Sunday's entry, which is uncannily appropriate in light of my reflection on time away in the mountains, also written last Sunday:

December 4

"He went up into a mountain apart" (Matt. 14:23).

One of the blessings of the old-time Sabbath was its calm, its restfulness, its holy peace. There is a strange strength conceived in solitude. Crows go in flocks and wolves in packs, but the lion and the eagle are solitaires.

Strength is not in bluster and noise. Strength is in quietness. The lake must be calm if the heavens are to be reflected on its surface. Our Lord loved the people, but how often we read of His going away from them for a brief season. He tried every little while to withdraw from the crowd. He was always stealing away at evening to the hills. Most of His ministry was carried on in the towns and cities by the seashore, but He loved the hills the best, and oftentimes when night fell He would plunge into their peaceful depths.

The one thing needed above all others today is that we shall go apart with our Lord, and sit at His feet in the sacred privacy of His blessed presence. Oh, for the lost art of meditation! Oh, for the culture of the secret place! Oh, for the tonic of waiting upon God! - Selected

"It is well to live in the valley sweet,
Where the work of the world is done,
Where the reapers sing in the fields of wheat,
As they toil till the set of sun.
But beyond the meadows, the hills I see
Where the noises of traffic cease,
And I follow a Voice that calleth to me
From the hilltop regions of peace.

"Aye, to live is sweet in the valley fair,
And to toil till the set of sun;
But my spirit yearns for the hilltop's air
When the day and its work are done.
For a Presence breathes o'er the silent hills,
And its sweetness is living yet;
The same deep calm all the hillside fills,
As breathed over Olivet."

"Every life that would be strong must have its Holy of Holies into which only God enters."

Sharing The Light

Today I was reminded of this prayer - this strengthening prayer that so inspired me at the beginning of this mission. I'm back to work, back on the mission, back to helping spread His light and love. May I find Him in everyone who comes my way today!

Dear Jesus, help us to spread Your fragrance everywhere we go. Flood our souls with Your spirit and life. Penetrate and possess our whole being so utterly that our lives may only be a radiance of Yours. Shine through us, and be so in us that every soul we come in contact with may feel Your presence in our souls. Let them look up and see no longer us, but only Jesus! Stay with us, and then we shall begin to shine as You shine; so to shine as to be a light to others. The light, O Jesus, will be all from You, none of it will be ours; it will be You shining on others through us. Let us thus praise You in the way you love best: by shining on others through us. Let us preach You without preaching, not by words but by our example, by the catching force, the sympathetic influence of what we do, the evident fullness of the love our hearts bear to You. Amen.
- Cardinal John Henry Newman

(The Missionaries of Charity pray this prayer every day after Mass, as did Blessed Teresa of Calcutta)

Once Again, Back From The Mountaintop

Kabayan, Benguet. Photo by A.G. Saño

My favorite philosopher and theologian, Peter Kreeft, probably says it best. "What happens when we just meander with nature for a while instead of making something happen? What happens when we forget clocks and obligations, and just watch waves, or stars, or clouds, or sunsets, or rivers? In my experience, at least two things almost always happen. One is natural, the other supernatural. The natural effect can be described as just an overall feeling of refreshment, like cool water in a desert, or a calm after a battle. The supernatural effect is that I can pray better, and want to pray more."

Somehow I'd forgotten that when things get a little rough and my spiritual and emotional perspective clouds up, the only thing I truly need to do is to be still and know He is God. And the best way I've found I can do that is to forget myself and my self-centeredness and get caught up in God's creation. To listen to Him as I contemplate the work of His hands. "Nature teaches me how to listen. How to listen to waves, and thus how to listen in general, and thus how to listen to God. This is an art I know we all need desperately. If we listened, to other people and to God, we would avoid most of our tragedies, wars, divorces, violence, drugs, broken relationships, pains. How can we have faith, hope, and love without listening? How can we enjoy heaven without enjoying listening? How can we be saved unless we learn to listen to God?"

After a while amidst the noise and chaos and challenges of a difficult mission field, it becomes harder to listen to what God wants to say, much less hear Him over the sometimes deafening din. Even regular daily moments of quietness are invaded by the demands of the metropolis - the deadlines and the tasks at hand and the relationships that are all vying for time and attention. A couple of people I share the faith with know about the desolation that was setting in, and the distractions that kept me from training my eyes on Him alone. Apparently, a trip to the mountaintop was in order.

The literal and figurative mountaintop - for up there in the mountains, I encountered God once again, in a way that I'd long been missing. The very first morning out of the city He and I had the first of many long overdue meaningful conversations that I'd been sorely missing - the type that directs my path and reorients my focus to where it should be, upon Whom it should be. In the chilly hours of early morning, as the sun slowly crept into the sky, I had the chance to properly and sincerely praise Him the way I hadn't been able to in all those mornings confined in my city room without a view. Out in nature, He seems so much grander; He inspires even more awe. And, away from the stresses of life and mission, He speaks with a clarity that overwhelms and inspires one to go to the ends of the earth out of sheer love for Him. That's what I was missing. And that's exactly what I needed, and what I encountered this week.

In Baguio, and in the even quieter climes of Kabayan, where I have most frequently encountered Him in the solitude of adoring His Real Presence, He put back the courage in my heart that I so badly needed. The courage to stand up for Him and carry His light to find Him in the darkness; the courage to believe that I belong to Him, I am precious in His eyes, and He has called me by my name; the courage to be renewed in strength against all challenges and adversaries, for I serve the mightiest Being Who was, Who is, and Who is to come; and the courage to love, to truly LOVE the way He did, without question or expectation, no matter what the cost. And He spoke to me through one of the most important figures in my continuing conversion towards a life of following Him as closely as possible. Blessed Teresa of Calcutta, the woman whose life changed mine, said: "True love is love that causes us pain, that hurts, and yet brings joy. That is why we must pray to God and ask Him to give us the courage to love."

Courage. Funnily enough, it was the same attribute a friend in the faith likewise discovered this week. I pray that God give me the strength to sustain my own courage in the valley as I continue to seek His will and do His work and spread His light and love wherever He may send me. And may He send me, to the nations, and to ends of the earth, to do His most Holy Will. Higit sa lahat, bago ang lahat! Amen.