Kilig

I'm hard-pressed to come up with an accurate translation of kilig; the closest perhaps is "a rush or thrill that overcomes one's self after something phenomenally terrrrrifffic happens," frequently taking you by surprise (one does not normally seek out the kilig sensation, it just, well, happens). And it is usually equated with the warm-melted-butter-down-your-back feeling of romantic affection or that overwhelming burst of joyous adrenalin that makes you want to jump up and down a talkshow host's couch.

Sheer, unadulterated, inexplicable happiness that won't let up. Kilig.

Honestly speaking, I've not had that sensation too often in this century; the last time I really got kilig over a guy was in 1993. No kidding. That's how bad of a cynic I'd become: sure, I'd be interested in this guy or that one and vice versa in the years that would follow, but I would never allow myself the luxury of kilig.

Now that all that cynicism and emotional baggage is off my back, I've been having one kilig moment too many. It feels like I'm in high school again. And sometimes, it doesn't even have anything to do with any guy.

It's the exhiliration - or the freedom of allowing yourself to be exhilirated - by a phenomenal event, or a phenomenal person. Or by a phenomenal God who you know is right there, enjoying the kilig moment as much as you are.

A God who gave me exactly what I was asking for, for exactly the purpose I needed it, even after a day of mini-frustrations. I still want to jump up and down whenever I think of last night's unexpected blessing - and unexpected kilig. Phenomenal. All things are possible indeed!

And of course, the more common relationship kilig: a more mature kind of kilig, as a sister-in-Christ and I agreed over a loooong Sunday lunch. The kilig that comes from who a guy IS and not what he DOES to or for you: after all, what are you left with once a man stops promising the moon and the stars or whispering sweet nothings or sending flowers? But a man can't just as easily stop being who he is, e.g., someone with integrity, conviction, compassion, a deep relationship with God, courage, etc. That perhaps, is how we should choose the men to love. And to be kilig over. Right, Amats?

Then there's that random run-of-the-mill kilig that you can't help experiencing, even in this day and age, even at this age! Like when someone you like (e e e e...) looks particularly cute today. Or when, after more than a decade, you talk once again to that last guy who made you kilig in 1993...and not sound like a gushing schoolgirl for once. Because you are now a mature, sophisticated, attractive, accomplished woman with the world at her feet, a fact Mr. 1993 immediately becomes aware of (consequently treating you accordingly, at long last). And it doesn't even matter that once you put down the phone, you revert into that gushing schoolgirl, jumping all over the office in her 3-inch pumps, frightening the artists, and reveling in ...kilig.

Yeeeeeha! :-)