Work in Progress: July 2005

A Lump of Clay's Reflections on the Potter
"Freely you have received; freely give." Matthew 10:8

Sunday, July 31, 2005

35

Today I'm 35. Ouch. I have a whole bunch of friends who belong to Club 1970, but this birthday is still a little disconcerting. Ever since I could throw a party, I've held one every birthday - even the one I had in France, and I had two celebrations c/o Justin and my dear sis Marivic - so this year I thought I could get away without the fanfare and the ruckus. Unfortunately, I wasn't "allowed" to, so what the heck. It's just that 35 all of a sudden feels so very, very old. Even if H calls it the new "11"...and I hated the time I was 11!

But anyway. I've done about 60% of what needs to be done for the party tonight, even if I only got home at 11 pm. Praise God for honoring the time I set aside for Him and His service...I've been up and active since 6 am yesterday and it's now almost 3 am today, but I've done all I was scheduled to do. And put in a whole lot of worship time at this evening's CLASE outpouring, thanks to Pedro's invitation. What a way to end the day! And what a way to start "mid-life." :-) I may gripe about how old I'm turning, but I thank God for His gift of life and "longevity." He's the only one sustaining me through this journey, and so I survive only upon Him. Thanks Abba, for another year. May You continue to show me Your will in my life, and may You grant me the grace to embrace it!

And by the way, Happy Feast Day to one of my favorite missionary saints, who, together with his best friend St. Francis Xavier, inspires me on my own mission: St. Ignatius of Loyola. And thank you Mommy for not naming me after him! Hee hee.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Thursday Magic Madness

I love Thursdays. The whole day is all about praising and serving God, from morning to evening, from the Montalban prayer meeting where we sing songs to the Lord and I get to share His word, to the fellowship over lunch and afterwards at the household, to the preparations for Thursday prayer group, to the prayer group worship and sharing session at night. Today was an even more extraordinary Thursday, because not only did God calm the turbulent seas and allow for safe passage, but His Spirit was operating so abundantly in worship and service that I felt like I was on one continous "high" all throughout the day and night.

For today's worship exhortation, I spoke about the joy in the Lord and how it cannot be removed from our hearts, even through trials, and how He takes us from strength to strength in the challenges He walks us through. Today's talk on the Gospel was about how it is never too late for the sinners to become saints, and how powerful our prayer is in interceding for another. The Montalban crowd was visibly transfixed as I told the love story of Felix and Elizabeth Leseur, where a wife's unselfish love and suffering for the salvation of her husband ("No greater love is this - that a woman give her life for her husband...") resulted in the awe-inspiring transformation of a rabid atheist into a saintly Dominican priest. "So pray for your husbands, or for any one who may be a burden to you and constantly cause you grief and pain...your prayers will be his salvation!"

I later had a long, satisfying conversation with Cardinal Daniel the rockstar about how our ministry - the ministry of love - impacts the children who come our way. For some of these little ones, our care and attention and touch may be the only love that they ever have encountered or ever will in this lifetime, but whatever affection we show them could spell the difference between an angry, hate-filled Hitler and a gentle Mother Teresa. For love truly SAVES us, no matter how wretched our lives have become. And we, in turn, by demonstrating this love we've experienced, can pass the love around and cast light wherever we may find ourselves.

And then, tonight, a Spirit-filled prayer group session in Montalban, where God "spoke" to us through messages of His love: mine (God had two messages for me, hehe) were from Hosea about His faithfulness in our own unfaithfulness, and how He cares (He Cares!) for me through His strengthening power that enables me to resist the enemy. God is truly good indeed...and I am truly very sleepy, so for now, it's over and out for me. :-)

Ozzie Does It (Again)

Oswald Chambers has the knack of hitting the nail right on the head, especially when you're seeking God's word to confirm a certain matter or course of action. Sure enough:


July 27
The Way To Knowledge

The golden rule to follow to obtain spiritual understanding is not one of intellectual pursuit, but one of obedience. If a person wants scientific knowledge, then intellectual curiosity must be his guide. But if he desires knowledge and insight into the teachings of Jesus Christ, he can only obtain it through obedience. If spiritual things seem dark and hidden to me, then I can be sure that there is a point of disobedience somewhere in my life. Intellectual darkness is the result of ignorance, but spiritual darkness is the result of something that I do not intend to obey.

No one ever receives a word from God without instantly being put to the test regarding it. We disobey and then wonder why we are not growing spiritually. Jesus said, "If you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift" (Matthew 5:23-24). He is saying, in essence, "Don’t say another word to me; first be obedient by making things right." The teachings of Jesus hit us where we live. We cannot stand as impostors before Him for even one second. He instructs us down to the very last detail. The Spirit of God uncovers our spirit of self-vindication and makes us sensitive to things that we have never even thought of before.

When Jesus drives something home to you through His Word, don’t try to evade it. If you do, you will become a religious impostor. Examine the things you tend simply to shrug your shoulders about, and where you have refused to be obedient, and you will know why you are not growing spiritually. As Jesus said, "First... go..." Even at the risk of being thought of as fanatical, you must obey what God tells you.


Aaaaaamen. Grabe. :-)

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

My Jerusalem

A couple of Thursdays ago, in a four-part exhortation prior to worship, we shared about our respective "Jerusalems." AG's Jerusalem - his foretaste of heaven - was the NLTC worship sessions, Lex's was Caliraya, Oman's was time spent with little Jayjay. And mine was in a place I always return to whenever I feel lost or weary, whenever I need to regain my bearings in this world...a place I am 101% certain God led me to. My Jerusalem is He Cares, a little corner on this earth where I am sure I will always find the Lord, and, perhaps, His direction.

Today was no different. In my last "Jerusalem" reflection, God proved Himself to be faithful as I returned to the place where I first sought Him out and found Him. And, He did the same on this fateful day...all I really had to do was to "show up for work." (I heard Father John Korapi talk about his topic very recently - God's power will guide us fully, if only we just "show up"). And the minute I did, miracles started to happen. I walked into the office to find Ate Ardis ministering to another co-worker, and found myself being ministered to instead! I had to hide myself in an office cubicle to conceal the fact that I was weeping copiously at her every word, which seemed directed to all my concerns and problems...but they knew I was crying my heart out nonetheless. And yet Ate's words were God's message to my aching soul...a beautiful hymn of hope and victory despite all the odds the enemy sets up on the way. My Jerusalem indeed!

I think we've reached the safety of the shore now...time to walk on and continue on the long journey ahead.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Chapter Continued

It's hard to believe that the last entry was written only a few days ago - it feels much longer than that. But, as I promised, here's the next chapter that tells about the grace I received on Friday. The sea is a lot less rocky, but still a little turbulent...but I know the Master is in control and I have faith in His timing. He will bring us to safe shores when the lesson is learned.

This is from an e-mail to a beloved friend with whom I ride these crashing seas. I trust that the parts of my heart that I shared therein, as they are universal and not applicable solely to the recipient of my "letter," will uplift the reader and help reflect the glory of God as He works in our lives. I've omitted the more personal parts, but I hope to bring His revelation completely into the light.

You said that this is a very, very long road that we have to walk together, and I am honored that you choose to walk with me. I once promised to walk with you even as you come across the difficult parts of the journey, and that promise still holds, but sometimes I run into obstacles of my own. Yesterday Father Steve was talking about our heart's desires as part of knowing God's will...and I realized right then that my heart, for the last year, has been desiring only one thing: to serve my God for the rest of my life. As you know, His call for me to be a missionary of His love and truth was so radical that it turned my life upside down and rightside up. It cost me community, friendships, relationships - romantic and otherwise, my careers, my family's dreams...but there was nothing - there IS nothing - that could keep me from following what He wants me to do. My only request was that He show me that the direction I follow is His direction, and He's been faithful thus far. Whenever the path begins to narrow and darken, all I have to do is cry out for His mercy and it always comes sooner than expected, like a beacon in the middle of the night.

And because I "gave up" so much to follow Him, I expected to carry on with so much less than I had. But instead, He overwhelmed me with blessings I never could have previously embraced because my arms were too full with all the things I had to let go of. One of those blessings is the gift of Christian company with like hearts - hearts set on fulfilling His mission on earth. But I am most grateful for my friendship with you. I didn't know that God could be so generous in His grace...I thought, when I first embraced the call, that I would be walking this path alone.

But this gift is something I've had some trouble graciously receiving. I've talked to you about my issues of trust - in all matter of relationships, especially spiritual ones. Which is why I have not been able to fully "give" myself in new friendships - including my friendship with you, which is spiritually founded - I can only trust the love and steadfastness of old friendships that have withstood the years, pre and post-renewal. All others I've treated with the utmost of caution, to the extent of building walls where there should be none, just to protect myself from the hurt and intrusions suffered before. Which explains - but does not excuse - the flashes of temper as I try to maintain "equilibrium." I've claimed to trust God with all my heart, but what I've been doing is exactly the opposite manifestation of trust - I've been trying to CONTROL. This last week was brought to us courtesy of the word "control": it wasn't only you who told me to let go and trust God, but Miles told me the same thing (without the God part) a few days earlier...apparently she was right in her observation that I'm more of a control freak that she is (a staggering thought). What the heck was I afraid of?

In a "thin, small voice," on the way to the Center last Friday, God told me exactly what. RISK. He made me realize that all these new fortifications didn't only keep out danger - it also kept in love. I've asked Him many times to teach me how He loves, especially during difficult times with certain people (don't think you were exempt from that prayer, :-) ), to see them through His eyes and love them with His heart. And He said that He loved, He LOVES, despite the risk...He allowed Himself to be betrayed, tortured, and crucified on Calvary even if He risked the fact that despite that supreme sacrifice, no one would come to love and believe in Him. But He loved nonetheless! His love was greater than the fear of uncertainty or disappointment or betrayal. And thus, if I wanted to truly love as He does, so should my love be greater than the fear of risk. That blessed epiphany - in front of that pink house in Sanville! to be later confirmed in Father Steve's talk - caused all those walls to suddenly crash down. I'll leave Sting to build his fortress around someone else's heart, but as for mine, I claim in Jesus' name that the fortress is no more. What a feeling of liberation - I'm free to love in Christ's love without fear - sure, I know there will still be disappointments and hurts and everything else I've been trying to avoid, but I trust that God, in His infinite wisdom and by His act of breaking down these destructive defenses, and His love from which I draw my own is much, much greater than all these ills. Just love, like Jesus loved.

Funny how easy it all really is once you've got the walls out of the way. I trust God that this could only be a positive thing...for He had no defenses, no artifices, no protective emotional walls to keep His love from shining through. It's not a bad thing to be vulnerable, as long as you're secure in the Father's love.

Anyway. It's probably all in God's plan that all these difficulties needed to come to pass...I would not have come to this point if not for all the emotional tension that was straining against the walls of my fortress.


And the fortress, like the walls of Jericho, is turned to dust. But what it used to guard is still protected, by the One I can only really trust, and since He caused the walls to tumble down, I trust that He knows what He's doing.

I don't know if my friend reads this blog, but I've already said in many ways what I needed to say, and I hope that we can pick each other up and move on in the Father's love. I can say that I can give and receive so much more of it now that the walls are down. I pray that my friend is able to do the same. Mahal kita, kapatid.

Friday, July 22, 2005

The Potter (no relation to Harry) At Work

I think it was Lex I was talking to about the writer's discipline of practicing the "craft" regularly, and blogs like this allow you to do just that. Even though you don't have much to blog about...well, actually at this point I do, but the ideas evade verbal capture and tonight my mind and body and soul are a little too exhausted to give chase.

Which is why I originally intended to post my ramblings in my other blog, which contains my less "refined" reflections. And although this entry is spiritual, it's a little too haphazard for my liking so I somehow feel I shouldn't be "dumping" it here. But may I give glory to God nonetheless!

Been experiencing a considerable amount of warfare lately. I'm a little reluctant to disclose much, since I need to talk to a particular person about much of it before I go "public" but I can say that it's not been fun (duh). It's ironic that my exhortation at this week's Montalban prayer meeting was on the Potter's benevolent omniscience and the greatness of His design for our lives; of the Master Gardener's purpose in pruning us, sometimes painfully, that we may bear fruit; of the Sculptor's unsurpassed skill in shaping us into something more beautiful that we could ever imagine, even as He chips and chisels away at the unwanted edges of our lives. In fact, I realize belatedly that that kind of refinement, the passing through the fires of purification, is exactly what I've been going through the last few days. But as I told my friend Daniel, the future Cardinal, it's a blessing, brought about by being in the shelter of God's wings, to know that spiritual challenges - while thrown before us by the enemy - are allowed by our Father that we may increase our faith and our capacity and eventually bring about, in the long run, more good than bad (fortunately, the enemy is shortsighted, but our God can see the whole picture and how what momentarily seems "bad" will ultimately turn out for our own good, Romans 8:28 of course). And thank God that we are well aware of these things when they happen! No wonder the Spirit was insistent on Ephesians 6:10-20.

A little counseling from a good Christian friend, who has for more than a year been my soundingboard (and vice versa) for spiritual difficulties, helped to set things straight, but on the way to the Center this morning, God Himself gave me a monumental grace that allowed me to see the reason behind these challenges. It was so overwhelming and majorly radical that I was both surprised that I didn't see it coming and extremely happy that He focused on one of my weakest spots and gave it His strengthening attention (as Bishop Sheen said, "scar tissue is the strongest layer of skin.") Now I just have to put it into practice, and I can't say how eager I am to do so, with the newfound freedom from walls the Lord had to knock down through this trying experience! What exactly He said I will share once I've had the opportunity to actually try it out. In other words, this chapter is to be continued...

In the meantime, in His amazing sense of timing, this was playing on my CD changer when His blessed realization hit (I can remember exactly which portion of Cenacle Drive in Sanville - right after the gas station and before the pink house - He made His purpose known). Truly, Lord, the way You are moving in my life and changing me, whenever I become someone better than the person I once was, "it's not the 'I' but the 'You' in me."

Not The I But The You In Me
Anointed

You have walked into my life
You have painted all my dreams
‘Til the color of your love is the color of me
You can look into my heart
And You can read my mind
You can read about Yourself in between the lines

Every good thing I have done
Everything that I’ve become
Everything that’s turned out right
Is because You’re in my life
And if I ever teach a child the way
Ever learn myself to change
Ever become who I want to be
It’s not the I but the You in me.

You have looked into my eyes
You have seen what I am
But still, You’re by my side
Telling me I can
And there are times I’ve caused you pain
And times I’ve made mistakes
Somehow You used them all to make the I you made

Every good thing I have done
Everything that I’ve become
Everything that’s turned out right
Is because You’re in my life
And if I ever teach a child the way
Ever learn myself to change
Ever become who I want to be
It’s not the I but the You in me.

And if I ever wondered for a hundred, thousand years
I would never understand
How You’re in me
And I’m in You
And You could say
You are the reason why I am

Monday, July 18, 2005

Restless

My heart is restless until it rests in Thee, said Saint Augustine. Man, do I know what that means. There are those days when you cannot sit still because of a longing you know that this world and whoever it contains cannot address, yet somehow you wish it could. You know that He is sufficient for you, and yet, because you are only human, sometimes you are deluded into thinking otherwise. There are times when all you wish is to be taken Home and united to Him in His perfect love, but then you realize that the journey is still to be undertaken. Until then, you can only hope to experience a foretaste of that rest, a sampling of that reassurance of that Eternal Love, and that beloved restlessness that reminds us that we are not yet where we are meant to be.

I am restless. I am athirst for far-away things.
My soul goes out in a longing to touch the skirt of the dim distance.
O Great Beyond, O the keen call of thy flute!
I forget, I ever forget, that I have no wings to fly, that I am bound in this spot evermore.

I am eager and wakeful, I am a stranger in a strange land.
Thy breath comes to me whispering an impossible hope.
Thy tongue is known to my heart as its very own.
O Far-to-seek, O the keen call of thy flute!
I forget, I ever forget, that I know not the way, that I have not the winged horse.

I am listless, I am a wanderer in my heart.
In the sunny haze of the languid hours, what vast vision of thine takes shape in the blue of the sky!
O Farthest end, O the keen call of thy flute!
I forget, I ever forget, that the gates are shut everywhere in the house where I dwell alone!
- Rabindranath Tagore

A Little Taste of Heaven

"Lie back, watch TV, eat chicharon..." You could hear the longing in Kuya Joe Dean's voice as he half-jokingly revealed what he would rather be doing on a warm Sunday afternoon. After all, it was supposed to be a day of rest after a long Saturday of service, but instead he was at the Center conducting a facilitators' workshop for the upcoming Life in the Spirit Seminar. Three of us - AG, Judith, and myself - were there as well to help out, but he did most of the grunt work. A few lazy hours of TV-watching and extra large doses of cholesterol would have been a little taste of heaven indeed for Kuya, and I hope he got his rest last Sunday (I suppose not, because he got awfully sick in the next succeeding days).

Last Thursday was an extra-long day (as all Thursdays have been, since my acceptance of the Montalban mission and the "convening" of the Thursday prayer group), and, in the midst of tracking down lyrics and printing out song sheets and preparing for the evening's worship, AG, who on top of the extra-long day was also suffering the after-shocks of an extra-long night of hauling the last pieces of heaviest stuff from the Bakang's former place of residence, had fallen asleep sprawled across the bed. "Sarap matulog," he yawned, when it was time to head off. "We can sleep all we want in heaven bro," I said, echoing Kuya Joe Dean's (and Mother Teresa's!) motto. A little taste of heaven, indeed...sleep, wonderful, uninterrupted sleep.

And sleep's been a luxury I've been missing the last several days - my friends will attest to how many times I've dozed off (horrors!) on our nights up and out. They've been magnificently polite about my state of sleepiness, but I've been known to stay up until the break of dawn and the rising of the sun, so this is a new thing, even for me. Then again, I've recently been blessed with the ability to awaken the dawning - the Spirit nudges me awake at 6:30 a.m. (if not earlier, in certain cases!) and I've been starting my days early in the morning. Lots of stuff accomplished with an early start, but batteries start to run out much earlier as well...

So these last two days - Sunday and Monday - have been a tremendous blessing. My lack of sleep (especially with the Friday night sleepover in Montalban where I don't think I got more than 2 hours' worth of sound sleep) was compensated with one of my favorite tastes of heaven: a sleep marathon on Sunday, punctuated only with noodle-cooking sessions and a few hours reading Harry Potter 6 (The Half-Blood Prince...someone died, won't let the cat out of the bag so find out for yourself). I slept and slept and slept like there was no tomorrow, only to wake up for meals and Mass. Yuuuuuummmmmmmmy. Monday was a little more of the same, except that the restlessness was back...I needed - and longed - to be doing something else, to be on any of the missions He's given me, but it was still a "rest" day, no matter how restless I got. Now I think I know a little bit about how Kuya feels! But I got some sleep in as well...a very welcome afternoon siesta which I hardly get the chance to indulge in anymore. Plus I finished Harry Potter 6, rediscovered one of my favorite poets (see my other blog for more details), and sent off some long overdue emails. And I managed to make some lamb caldereta as well. Not bad. This little taste of heaven will, hopefully, go a long way.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Love Notes

Is it just me or have I suddenly become everyone's favorite love counselor? Perhaps Joe D'Mango's direct line is busy, but what gives? Tonight yet another friend poured out his sentiments on love, past and present, and how he's so giddy about this new relationship etcetera etcetera. The last several days weren't any different - I've listened (very willingly actually) to more than a few tales of love lost and found and forgotten from a number of friends. And because of the confidences I keep, I won't go into any details about their love lives (or lack thereof). But then again, there's nothing that's keeping me from talking about mine (my baby bro Ryan is probably sitting at the edge of his seat at this point, because he'll soon be getting the long-awaited scoop...).

So let me talk about the one that I love.

He's pursued me for quite some time, and I finally gave in after his persistence. He hung around even when he wasn't welcome, and his patience paid off. Despite my "strong" personality and my brief foray into feminism, I still believe that the man should take the initiative and make the first move. And he sure did. Man, did he give chase!

I let him take the lead, because he in fact leads our relationship. Although sometimes it's hard, I submit to his leadership and direction...although I know perfectly well how to drive, I let him take over the wheel.

He knows everything about who I am, my past, my present, and what I want for my future. He knows about all the times I've stumbled and fallen flat on my face and made a fool of myself, and yet loves me still.

He forgives me for all the wrong I've caused him...he might be upset when I slip up and hurt him but his arms are always wide open once I start running back in his direction.

He knows everything I like, love, and aspire for, and will sometimes surprise me with the desires of my heart.

I can talk to him like no one else on earth. For hours on end. Or be with him in the stillest silence. Both situations are equally good.

He always puts me first, before himself. He doesn't have to, but because he loves me, he does.

He loves everyone I love - my family, my friends, my 74-year old pug...(RIP)

He loves me for what I am, warts and all. And I love him. Because I love him, I want to be what he would want me to be.

He's a Math genius. And He's the only other person who knows every other single thing - all the "essentials" and "preferences" and "non-negotiables" I'm looking for in a lifetime partner. It's a long list, but He's memorized it by heart. And is checking it twice...because He's preparing the "one."

He is my God. But He also loves me through others, and most importantly, through the only "other" I shall be blessed to love and cherish for the rest of my days...whoever he may reveal himself to be!

I love YOU, Lord, like I love no other. May that "other" always know and acknowledge that, and love you the same way :-)

Monday, July 04, 2005

Beloved

Beloved.

I love to address others - that means you - that way...for in fact, we are all His beloved. Here's a beautiful reflection about exactly who we are in His eyes, and how our knowing our belovedness sustains us, the way it sustained Him.

Be loved, beloved.

On Remembering Our Belovedness
By Dr. Roger Lovette


* * *The more I thought, I remembered a story from the life of Jesus. It began, I think, that first hard day of adulthood when he packed his bags and left home, and that's always a hard thing. Two gospels tell of what happened that day. Mark first told it and then Matthew followed it with his gospel.

The first thing Jesus did was to go to John and to ask him for baptism. And so Jesus stands shoulder high in the Jordan River with John the Baptist. John baptizes Jesus. And then the strangest thing happened. The wind blew. Both gospels say that after that a voice came. The voice of God speaking and that voice said: "This is my beloved son."

Henri Nouwen, the Roman Catholic writer, has said that this is significant. For that word, BELOVED, was like a golden string that Jesus followed for the rest of His life.

You may have read Toni Morrison's beautiful novel entitled, Beloved. Her story dates back to those awful slavery days in Ohio in 1873. A black slave-mother had lost her two-year-old child and is utterly devastated. The man who carved tombstones tells her that he will carve a tombstone for her, if she can come up with a name in ten minutes. But he says she can only use seven letters because the stone is so small. She wanted to use those beautiful words the preacher had used at the funeral: "Dearly Beloved," he said over and over, but they were too long. And so she asked the man, "Could we use the word 'beloved'?" And so the man thought, "B-E-L-O-V-E-D." And he carved those letters on that tombstone.

Early in the story, two gospels carve into the granite of their stories these same letters: B-E-L-O-V-E-D. This is significant. They appear a second time much later when Jesus stood in a hard place. The cross loomed before him. There would be misunderstanding and suffering and cross and even death. And on the Mount of Transfiguration Peter, James and John heard a voice -- the voice that spoke to Jesus a second time, saying, "This is my beloved son..." In the light of that word, Jesus was able to leave the mountain for the valley and the hard days and finally even death. And He was able to do it as a conqueror, because I think He remembered those seven letters. You are beloved.

If this were the last sermon I were to preach, I think I would begin right here. Why would I choose this word? Because in his face we see our faces if we look closely. And if we listen, ever so closely, I think we'll hear that word as our own. We, too, are beloved -- all of us and each of us.

What would happen if we could claim this word for our own? I think it might do for us just the thing that it did for Jesus. It would send us out into the unknowns of our days knowing that it need not matter whatever comes, that we shall make it. Because, like Jesus, we will be anchored by a word: We are beloved.

But you might say, what about those other messages that we have heard? They come all the time. Sometimes whispers, sometimes shouts: "You're no good. You're ugly. You're worthless. You'll never amount to anything. You're lazy. You're nobody." All of us have heard these ugly, ugly words. And the problem is that we have fought against these words all our lives.

But most of our fighting simply exhausts us. We've tried to cancel out those ugly voices with jobs and success and money and things and cars and houses and accomplishments.

Right after Christmas I stood in a check-out line of a department store. The woman in front of me had filled her cart to overflowing. I wondered if I would ever get home. She had on a full-length mink coat and every hair was in place. She told the clerk, as she piled the clothes on the counter, "My family didn't get me any clothes for Christmas. They said I had plenty. Well, I'm showing them today." And she showed them. When she flipped out her credit card, her treasures amounted to $1,200.00. I've never seen so many clothes in my life. It took her a whole shopping cart, filled to the brim, just to get to the car. As I saw her leaving and slowly pushing that cart, I wanted to run after her and say, "Lady, it'll never, ever make you somebody." I know and you know. Because you see, all of us have tried it. Work. New suit. Job change. Degrees and diets. We all want to be somebody -- but we never find it down any of these roads.

And this is why I've chosen this old story of Jesus standing in the River Jordan. If we could hear what Jesus heard, it might just carry all of us through. "You are my beloved." And yet we know that closing the gap between what God says and the realities around us is not easy. And so our task is to become what God himself has called us. We really are to try to live up to our names.

We can't do this alone. This is why we need the Church, to help us hear this voice when so many other voices call us to lesser things. We need the church to help us listen clearly again. To hear the songs and the prayers and the silence and the scripture and even sermons. And the great hope is that in listening we might just hear this other voice that heals and cleanses and helps and guides all of us.

If you've ever heard that word you'll come back to it again and again. You'll return over and over until it begins to crowd out all those other destructive voices.

But it doesn't stop there, I don't think. Jesus took that word and gave it away to everyone he came in contact with: lepers and prostitutes and disciples and common people and children. They all loved Him because He gave them that word for themselves.

And that's our task too. Remember the old spiritual: "This Little Light of Mine ... I'm gonna let it shine ... let it shine ... let it shine." That's our job.

One of the great American writers of this century was a man named Raymond Carver. He wrote marvelous stories and poems. But like so many creative people he was haunted with many demons. He was an alcoholic and along the way he lost a great many things that he loved. He almost died in 1976-77 of the ravages of drink. But he came back, sobered up, married another poet, Tess Gallagher, and they had some very good years. He dedicated his last book of poems to her. I love the dedication: "Tess. Tess. Tess. Tess."

But in September of 1987 Carver discovered that he had lung cancer. And what followed was ten months of terrible struggle with chemotherapy and hanging on until his death. But during those days he wrote some of his finest poetry. After his death, his widow published his last book of poetry, called A New Path to the Waterfall. The very last poem in that book might just be a benediction for us all. He called it "Late Fragment". Looking back, he wrote these words:

And did you get
what you wanted from this life, even so?
And he says,
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.


Isn't this the great dream of all of us? To come to the place where we can call ourselves beloved and to feel that someone else acknowledges that, too.

Once there lived a little black woman on a dirt road with little of the world's goods. But one of her sons became the greatest football player the county had ever seen. He was wonderful. And, from across the country, coaches and scouts beat a path to that little house on that dirt road. Everybody wanted to sign him for their school. Finally, he signed with a great university in a great ceremony with TV cameras and news columnists from everywhere.

The morning he was to leave, his mother got up early and fixed a huge breakfast. Finally it was time to go. His bags were on the porch and the mother looked at him with all her pride and all her love. And she reached up and hugged him so he would not see her tears. And as she hugged him, she whispered in his ear, "Son, remember who you is. Remember who you is." And he turned away so she would not see him cry, and walked out the door, picked up the bags and went on his way.

Remember that other story. Jesus standing in the water of the Jordan. And remember that the wind that blew and the voice that came. If you listen closely you might just hear your name called too. Remember who you is. Remember you are beloved. It is the best word that I know.