Chapter Continued

It's hard to believe that the last entry was written only a few days ago - it feels much longer than that. But, as I promised, here's the next chapter that tells about the grace I received on Friday. The sea is a lot less rocky, but still a little turbulent...but I know the Master is in control and I have faith in His timing. He will bring us to safe shores when the lesson is learned.

This is from an e-mail to a beloved friend with whom I ride these crashing seas. I trust that the parts of my heart that I shared therein, as they are universal and not applicable solely to the recipient of my "letter," will uplift the reader and help reflect the glory of God as He works in our lives. I've omitted the more personal parts, but I hope to bring His revelation completely into the light.

You said that this is a very, very long road that we have to walk together, and I am honored that you choose to walk with me. I once promised to walk with you even as you come across the difficult parts of the journey, and that promise still holds, but sometimes I run into obstacles of my own. Yesterday Father Steve was talking about our heart's desires as part of knowing God's will...and I realized right then that my heart, for the last year, has been desiring only one thing: to serve my God for the rest of my life. As you know, His call for me to be a missionary of His love and truth was so radical that it turned my life upside down and rightside up. It cost me community, friendships, relationships - romantic and otherwise, my careers, my family's dreams...but there was nothing - there IS nothing - that could keep me from following what He wants me to do. My only request was that He show me that the direction I follow is His direction, and He's been faithful thus far. Whenever the path begins to narrow and darken, all I have to do is cry out for His mercy and it always comes sooner than expected, like a beacon in the middle of the night.

And because I "gave up" so much to follow Him, I expected to carry on with so much less than I had. But instead, He overwhelmed me with blessings I never could have previously embraced because my arms were too full with all the things I had to let go of. One of those blessings is the gift of Christian company with like hearts - hearts set on fulfilling His mission on earth. But I am most grateful for my friendship with you. I didn't know that God could be so generous in His grace...I thought, when I first embraced the call, that I would be walking this path alone.

But this gift is something I've had some trouble graciously receiving. I've talked to you about my issues of trust - in all matter of relationships, especially spiritual ones. Which is why I have not been able to fully "give" myself in new friendships - including my friendship with you, which is spiritually founded - I can only trust the love and steadfastness of old friendships that have withstood the years, pre and post-renewal. All others I've treated with the utmost of caution, to the extent of building walls where there should be none, just to protect myself from the hurt and intrusions suffered before. Which explains - but does not excuse - the flashes of temper as I try to maintain "equilibrium." I've claimed to trust God with all my heart, but what I've been doing is exactly the opposite manifestation of trust - I've been trying to CONTROL. This last week was brought to us courtesy of the word "control": it wasn't only you who told me to let go and trust God, but Miles told me the same thing (without the God part) a few days earlier...apparently she was right in her observation that I'm more of a control freak that she is (a staggering thought). What the heck was I afraid of?

In a "thin, small voice," on the way to the Center last Friday, God told me exactly what. RISK. He made me realize that all these new fortifications didn't only keep out danger - it also kept in love. I've asked Him many times to teach me how He loves, especially during difficult times with certain people (don't think you were exempt from that prayer, :-) ), to see them through His eyes and love them with His heart. And He said that He loved, He LOVES, despite the risk...He allowed Himself to be betrayed, tortured, and crucified on Calvary even if He risked the fact that despite that supreme sacrifice, no one would come to love and believe in Him. But He loved nonetheless! His love was greater than the fear of uncertainty or disappointment or betrayal. And thus, if I wanted to truly love as He does, so should my love be greater than the fear of risk. That blessed epiphany - in front of that pink house in Sanville! to be later confirmed in Father Steve's talk - caused all those walls to suddenly crash down. I'll leave Sting to build his fortress around someone else's heart, but as for mine, I claim in Jesus' name that the fortress is no more. What a feeling of liberation - I'm free to love in Christ's love without fear - sure, I know there will still be disappointments and hurts and everything else I've been trying to avoid, but I trust that God, in His infinite wisdom and by His act of breaking down these destructive defenses, and His love from which I draw my own is much, much greater than all these ills. Just love, like Jesus loved.

Funny how easy it all really is once you've got the walls out of the way. I trust God that this could only be a positive thing...for He had no defenses, no artifices, no protective emotional walls to keep His love from shining through. It's not a bad thing to be vulnerable, as long as you're secure in the Father's love.

Anyway. It's probably all in God's plan that all these difficulties needed to come to pass...I would not have come to this point if not for all the emotional tension that was straining against the walls of my fortress.

And the fortress, like the walls of Jericho, is turned to dust. But what it used to guard is still protected, by the One I can only really trust, and since He caused the walls to tumble down, I trust that He knows what He's doing.

I don't know if my friend reads this blog, but I've already said in many ways what I needed to say, and I hope that we can pick each other up and move on in the Father's love. I can say that I can give and receive so much more of it now that the walls are down. I pray that my friend is able to do the same. Mahal kita, kapatid.