If You Feel Far From God, Guess Who Moved?

I couldn't end the day on a sour note (re the last whine-y post), and thank God that He's given me good reason not to. My "listening," or rather, His responding to my attempts to listen, began when, just as I was getting ready to go to the Center, I opened up Philip Yancey's Reaching for the Invisible God. I haven't read this book yet, although I've had it for ages, mainly because Yancey writes mostly about desolation and "separation" from God, and since my second post-"desert experience" conversion I hardly found myself too far from Him (praise God) to need Yancey's material. I thought that I could benefit from his reflections this time around, but thankfully, it appears that I still don't really need to, because when I opened the book, a handout - from one of Sister Bubbles Bandojo's talks before the old community - fell out. And since I started to listen closely to "life," I take it as one of His preliminary statements about my spiritual state of being and how I need to make things right again.

"It is not enough that Jesus is my teacher, my guide, my source of inspiration. It is not even enough that He is my companion on the journey, my friend and my brother. Jesus must become the heart of my heart, the fire of my life, the lover of my soul, the bridegroom of my spirit. He must become my only thought, my only concern, my only desire. The thousands of people, events, ideas and plans that occupy my inner life must become all one in the one and only name: Jesus.

"I know that I have to move from speaking about Jesus to letting Him speak within me, from thinking about Jesus to letting Him think within me, from acting for and with Jesus to letting Him act through me. I know the only way for me to see this world is to see it through His eyes. Everything has to become very simple, very unified, very focused. It is no longer a question of being up-to-date or well-informed. At this moment in history - my own as well as that of the world - I have to go to the very center of being: the center where time touches eternity, where earth and heaven meet, where God's Word becomes human flesh, where death and immortality embrace. There is really no longer a question of options. With an unmistakable clarity I have heard a voice saying, 'Give Me everything, and I will give you everything.'" - Henri Nouwen, "Jesus and Mary: Finding Our Sacred Center"

Once upon a time I gave Him everything, and thereby found my joy. But somewhere along the way I started holding on again, and holding back many things that I should have surrendered to him: my dreams and desires, my thoughts, my independence, my unwillingness to give up control over things I shouldn't. Too many complications have de-simplified the simple way of life I committed myself to a few months ago; they've muddled up the simple relationship I used to have with my God. And the solution to all of these is the same as it always has been, although this time it's taken me quite the while to remember it: just keep Him in the forefront, in the center of it all. I remember the simple promises we made to each other that Ninos Inocentes Sunday in Megamall. I would always love Him first of all, and most of all: bago ang lahat, higit sa lahat. And He told me...well, that's between Him and me. For now. :-)

And so I'm going back to basics. Back to loving Him first and most of all. Back to the mission He's called me to; back to the little prayer group He's gathered us into. I'm going back to the streets and the communities and the people I've had little time for over the last few months, because His call from the very beginning was for me to find Him there, and He's still calling. I'm going to set aside Thursday nights, doggone it, as my personal time - OUR personal time - to praise and worship and talk about Him, Him, and Him alone, because no matter how many prayer meetings I conduct/serve at in a week, Thursdays (not to mention 1st Sundays at the Feast) are for ME - my personal growth, my fellowship and sharing with sisters and brothers on this walk, my concerns, my need for being ministered to and ministering. Those things, for now, are the simplest things I believe He's asking from me. And I know I will rediscover the simple joy in doing so, for, as the great poet Dante once said - "In His will, our peace." Amen.