Heart's Desires

I want to cut hair. And walk the Camino de Santiago from St. Jean-Pied-de-Port in France to Santiago de Compostela in Spain. Take editing classes, get a Theology degree, write a couple of travel narratives a la Pico Iyer/Peter Mayle. Live a simple life in a simple place far away from the city with a horse, a 4x4, and someone to watch over me...

My heart's desires. Kuya Joe Dean asked me about them the other day - soul-stumping questions like that are part of the "hazards" of riding shotgun in the He Cares van -and I've been thinking about them since. The thing is, I'm not even sure what they are anymore.

I've had weirder "heart's desires" that I thought I really, really wanted once upon a time. After my first time in Europe, I nurtured in my heart the secret wish to live in Paris, even for just a short time...to make true my daydream of carrying on a conversation, entirely in French, with my friendly neighborhood grocer. And so it came to pass, believe it or not, through God's grace. But the daydream had its nightmarish parts, and it's taken me two whole years to even imagine going back to France, let alone want to return. And just this week, that burning desire to return was inflamed into an uncontrollable blaze by a very simple remark from my Dad: "O, your sister wants to go to Europe next year...you should get ready to go with her." Man!

Or have my own leather (oh, all right - pleather) chair in my window office with a view and my name given top billing in a law partnership...that too came to pass, as early as my 30th birthday. Gorgeous full-length 20th floor-glass-view of Metro Manila and Laguna de Bay and all. That view is still there, and my expensive chair is still there, together with my ego wall of diplomas, distinctions, and Bar certificates...but I haven't stepped into that office for almost two years now (my partners run it, they "consult" with me via mobile phone). Another heart's desire come true that wasn't so desirable after all.

So I'm a little more wary about what desires I entertain in my heart nowadays. Not too long ago, I used to ask God to burn away those desires that do not coincide with His, and to intensify those which are in His masterplan. I think I should start saying that prayer again, before my own ambitions get the better of me without my consulting with Him first. Despite all this time trying to follow His direction, I still get distracted once in a while. Only last Friday night I found myself tripping up on something that I thought I'd already relegated to my "past life"...horrors!

I gotta get my act together; I know at this particular point in time I'm not at my strongest or at my "right-est" before Him. Only He can make me completely "right" again...and I know that if I once more seek Him and Him alone, the desires of my heart are more likely to conform to His.

Goodness me. Need your prayers, especially that my first - if not only - heart's desire be to do His will. Thanks.