First Love

Saturday's subject for missionary formation was the "Joy of Serving the Lord," and Father Steve, instead of speaking at length on the topic, opened the discussion for sharing and questions. What gives us the most joy in our service - why do we keep doing what we do for God over and again? Kuya Joe Dean narrowed the field a little bit by helping us pinpoint what our "first love" is and how we keep returning to it.

I believe that we live according to the hierarchy of "dreams"...most of us first live out our parents' dreams: getting a good education, practicing a profession, making a comfortable living. In my case, I lived out my parents' dreams for a good 10 years, and I still maintain my name on a law firm "shingle" in honor of those dreams, just so they can boast of a daughter who happens to be a Bar-placing attorney with name-partnership status. Tonight at dinner my Dad whipped out the career question out of the blue: what about your lawyering? Thankfully, after a "Dad-I'm-a-gurrrrrl-I-don't-want-to-litigate-anymore-I'll-leave-it-to-the-boys" response, he eased up and changed the subject.

After seven years of living out their dreams, I began to live out my own. To travel the world, the region, and the country many, many times over. To write and write and have myself read by people who appreciated the stuff I was writing down. To be somebody whose opinions and public presence mattered. But, as things turned out, fame and fortune and frequent flyer miles did not make me very happy for long. In fact, I found myself more miserable than I'd ever been, despite my heart's desire of living in Paris speaking pidgin French everyday with the accompanying daydream of a romance and walking a dog down the Seine while pouring my soul out through my writing.

In the old community, we used to sing a very dangerous song based on Sir Francis Drake's prayer, Disturb Us Lord: "Disturb us, O Lord, when we're too pleased with ourselves; when our dreams have all come true, because our dreams are small and few..." I think I sang that song once too often that God actually heard me, and truly disturbed me - gladly disturbed me, I'd like to think. Because He showed me that there is no joy comparable to the joy of pursuing His dreams for me. A little more than ten years ago, He knew that He wanted me to become His missionary (I thought at the time that He was only kidding). And now I am, and I have never experienced more joy in the last year than I have in my entire life...the incomparable joy of letting Him take over and His will be done. Perhaps the most profound words in literature are from the pen of Dante Alighieri: "In His will, our peace."

My first love. Discovering His will and following it - in caring for the poor, in loving the unloved, in bringing His light to the darkest corners of the earth. Today's entry by Oswald Chambers, together with Bo's talk on discipleship at this morning's Feast, confirms this call:

A missionary is someone in whom the Holy Spirit has brought about this realization: "You are not your own" ( 1 Corinthians 6:19 ). To say, "I am not my own," is to have reached a high point in my spiritual stature. The true nature of that life in actual everyday confusion is evidenced by the deliberate giving up of myself to another Person through a sovereign decision, and that Person is Jesus Christ. The Holy Spirit interprets and explains the nature of Jesus to me to make me one with my Lord, not that I might simply become a trophy for His showcase. Our Lord never sent any of His disciples out on the basis of what He had done for them. It was not until after the resurrection, when the disciples had perceived through the power of the Holy Spirit who Jesus really was, that He said, "Go" (Matthew 28:19; also see Luke 24:49 and Acts 1:8 ).

"If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple" ( Luke 14:26 ). He was not saying that this person cannot be good and upright, but that he cannot be someone over whom Jesus can write the word Mine. Any one of the relationships our Lord mentions in this verse can compete with our relationship with Him. I may prefer to belong to my mother, or to my wife, or to myself, but if that is the case, then, Jesus said, "[You] cannot be My disciple." This does not mean that I will not be saved, but it does mean that I cannot be entirely His. Our Lord makes His disciple His very own possession, becoming responsible for him. "... you shall be witnesses to Me..." (Acts 1:8 ). The desire that comes into a disciple is not one of doing anything for Jesus, but of being a perfect delight to Him. The missionary’s secret is truly being able to say, "I am His, and He is accomplishing His work and His purposes through me.

Be entirely His!