Blessed and Stressed (?!)

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. - Jennifer Unlimited

Anyone who thinks that missionaries lead a blessed, unstressed life should spend a day like yesterday in my shoes. Oh, I'm blessed indeed, no question about that, wouldn't be able to survive a single day on this mission without God's abundant grace, but, once in a while, that demon of stress I thought I'd left in the corporate world likes to creep up in an attempt to ruin things.

My mission partner is off this week to do out-of-town apostolate work and I'm left to fill his Chuck Taylors...pretty big shoes to fill, literally and otherwise. Now there are many, many things I can do naturally, sometimes without the slightest bit of effort (e.g., write, make a good meal out of odds and ends in the kitchen, navigate the city's sidestreets, heck, even teach the law) and many things that I once couldn't do but which God has enabled me to do (e.g. bandage kids' bloody foreheads, play the tambourine, sing, and finally play B minor on the guitar!). But there are also many things that I cannot do (yet, or ever), things which come so easy for other people, and for which they seem to have been made to do: tune the guitar in ten seconds flat, put together a visual presentation, paint, change a flat tire, do magic tricks. So you can imagine what kind of stress I was under last night when I was making dinner while trying to tune a guitar, texting a friend who I was supposed to meet up with to do a favor for, running through my lecture on the common law, and mentally putting together a powerpoint presentation that needed to be e-mailed in by 9 a.m. the next day... And I'm not exaggerating.

I do not have AG's or Kuya Mike's or Kuya Joe Dean's or Ate Juwip's talents, and they do not have mine. God probably brought all of us together on this mission because of our unique contributions that make up a harmonious whole...and stress happens when we try to pick up the slack in one or the other's absence. In this particular case, picking up the slack had a domino effect: on top of a stressed-out psyche, I ended up not finishing anything a single thing on my list to my satisfaction (what the heck did I expect by spreading myself too thin?). Although I did make it to Quiapo for my weekly visit, I didn't get to buy some stuff I needed because I had to buy new tires before Servitek closed and by then I was late for the He Cares' staff meeting. I didn't tune the guitar properly (only got halfway through it, good thing a brother with tuning skills came to the rescue just in time), had to watch that the picadillo didn't burn while in the middle of worship, only to rush off right after worship, without finishing the empowerment session, so I could meet another sister I'd promised to help do a recording with. But I had to run off again at 2 a.m., even before the recording was done, because I had to do prepare a powerpoint presentation I was guilt-tripped into taking on. At this particular point, I knew that my next day's classes would be a no-show. Aaaagh!! And it didn't end there - not only did I miss the first day of school today, but I couldn't make it to the Center in time for lunch - and they didn't manage to cook anything with the stuff at hand. Good thing there was some picadillo left over from last night. Sigh.

As I crawled into bed at 4 a.m., dissatisfied with everything I'd accomplished in such a half-baked manner during the course of the day, I was grumpy, tired, resentful, and suffering from a migraine. And apologetic to the One I'd promised I'd always give my very best to.

This morning at prayer time, I laid my messed-up, stressed-out self at His feet, and just allowed Him to love me until I was better. I recognize now that this kind of assault - the frustrating stress brought about by busy-ness and taking on too much (even for the Lord!) than you can handle - is an enemy tactic that works so well in wearying my defenses and emotions. It's one of those things that conveniently trip you up just when a momentous event to glorify God is approaching - in this case the Outpouring of the Holy Spirit for He Cares' LSS participants next Wednesday. So I took all my weaknesses and my weary self to the Source of my Strength, in whom I know I can do anything. And, in His embrace, which I'd been a little too busy to linger in during the last several days, He spoke into my heart. "You don't have to work too hard. I love you no matter what."

That helped me to remember the real reason why I work for Him - not because He requires me to do it, but because it is the only way for me to express my love and gratitude for what I know He is and what He has done. It is not genuine gratitude when I overburden my schedule and keep running in and out of rooms, rushing here and there in a relentless race that He could not have asked me to run, because I have a lot less time to sit with Him. I'm reminded of the lyrics of the song that "led" to my conversion, Out Of Roads:

"I just ran out of roads again. Don’t know
where to turn. I started counting stars again,
then I lost my way.
I just ran out of time again.
Will I ever learn to stop my chase of hours
again, only learn I’ve lost the day?"

Except that I now know which Road I should be on, and in Whose direction I should be heading. Thank God He always sets me straight. May we never work too hard for the Lord that we neglect our relationship with the Master Himself. I need to get back in Mary-mode before the cranky, resentful side of Martha gets the better of me. I think I will just sit at His feet for a while...and just gaze upon the One who loved me even before I started to serve Him.