I Have Seen You

Wednesday night, and I still didn't have a topic for the first talk of the year at the Montalban mission. I'd been praying about it for a few days, but no inspiration seemed to be forthcoming; I was resigned to sharing my personal testimony (or at least part of it - a very long conversion story that's still ongoing!) to encourage the attendees to share how God has been working in their own lives. Or, in the alternative, to reflect on the Gospel of the day (Mark 1:40-45 on the leper who begged to be made clean). But the Spirit came through at the eleventh hour, leading me to a verse that virtually leapt off the computer screen with its immediate impact. The inspiration was so overwhelming that I found myself completing the talk outline in no time at all - it was still primarily a witnessing of God's hand in my life, but founded on what I now consider as perhaps the most powerful verse in the Book of Job:

"I had heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes." (Job 42:5)

Most of us know who Job is - the poster child of affliction who lost his wealth, properties, children, and good health, all in the same day. And so he sits in his miserable state, for the good part of 38 chapters, suffering - above everything else - the derision of his "friends," until God finally gets sick of the speculation and booms out a lengthy, forceful monologue that probably had Job's buddies running for cover. Even so, at the end of it all, He still hasn't categorically answered the question as to why the upright Job had to endure such debilitating trials. But Job no longer needs explanations - he realizes that he cannot grasp the magnitude of the Almighty's purposes. Instead, he seems to be strangely satisfied, for he has finally seen the God (albeit in His fearful indignation!) he'd previously only heard about.


I too, like Job, had only heard of God before, but now I have seen Him with my own eyes. Not in freaky in-the-flesh encounters, mind you. Some translations of the same verse read "I knew you only before by hearsay...", hearsay being defined in law as evidence based on the reports of others rather than the personal knowledge of a witness and therefore generally not admissible as testimony. I have "seen" God, for I have personal knowledge of Him. And, as I look back on my life, I can enumerate at least three ways by means of which He has showed Himself to me, to witness Him at work and to know Him.

Seeing Him in His Mercy. I first saw God when I, in all my filthy sinfulness, came face-to-face with His immaculate goodness, and found myself being embraced and washed clean in the fathomless ocean of His mercy. I was the leper in the Gospel of Mark, who asked to be made well...and was healed by His loving and merciful touch. His forgiveness was real, His love was tangible as it freed me from the bonds that were strangling my soul. I saw Him on that afternoon of June 1, 2002 when He forgave me and welcomed His prodigal daughter back after a lifetime of being separated from Him. I never really believed in confession - my last one prior to that weekend had been seven years previously, and before that, 14 years! - but I finally appreciated the Sacrament of Reconciliation on the weekend I was renewed in Christ, because I finally truly believed that He indeed had the power to forgive me, even if I could not forgive myself.


Seeing Him In Our Helplessness. God will sometimes allow us to be brought to the point of absolute helplessness to be able to lay our eyes on Him. The old saying holds true: it's only when we're flat on our backs that we can finally look Up. During prayer group a couple of weeks ago, one of the prayers that came out of my heart was "You were there when no else was." And He's always been there when everyone was gone; He always will be there. But sometimes everyone and everything must be removed, so we can truly appreciate that beautiful truth.

After my renewal, I went into the "desert" and was very easily tempted. I went into a major backslide, multiplying the same old sins and even committing ones that were bigger and badder. So God did an "intervention" and allowed all the things that were distracting and "destructing" me to be taken away...until only He was left to hang on to. And hang on for dear life I did! I could only rely on His promises that He would turn my mourning into dancing, that He would make a way, that He had plans for me, for my welfare and not for my woe...and, unlike others who turned back on their word, He came through on each and every one of those promises I held on to. Indeed, it is in our worst suffering that He holds us closest and tightest...and when we realize that, all we have to do is to look into the face of the One who embraces us. And see Him and how He loves us so.


Seeing Him As He Changes Others. I see God when I see His hand in the lives of others. Whenever I look at Ryan, who was always so high from sniffing glue that he kept on losing his slippers and could hardly walk straight, or Francis, the ringleader of the Delta streetkids who got thrown into rehab and out of his house, I know for sure that there is a God. For there is no explanation for the 180 degree change in their lives except the transformative love of a Higher Being.

I remember the makeshift shanties on Culiat that were demolished, and the grievious suffering of the families we cared for when they were relocated to Montalban. I only have to look at their newly renovated houses, the high grades of their school age children who could not even read or write a year ago, and their faces as they attend our prayer meetings, and I know that I have seen the sheltering hand of our faithful God.

My own life - and the things I now do (as well as those I do not do!) - is witness that there is indeed a God. I could never do what I do now in His service or continue not to do what I should not be doing, on my own. It's just not within my power - but entirely within His. I still slip up, and beat myself up for it once in a while, but my loving Father always lifts me out of the mud, hoses me down, and sets me back on my feet. I see Him as He changes me.

I had heard about You before, but now I have seen You with my own eyes. May I see You every day in this life, until the time comes when I really cast my eyes - and not just the eyes of faith - on You. Amen.