Carpaccio

Feels like many things have been "wrenched" from my life - not forcibly, but through voluntary surrender to Him, although it's no less painful - and I'm still raw and bloody from it all. Call me carpaccio.

But I bear it unbowed, because He is the lifter of my head, and, from my short experience as His oftentimes stubborn patient, reconstructive surgery is always meant for expansion that is ultimately for my own good. In the meantime, while I am emptied of my own dreams, desires, and plans, I cannot do much except wait for Him to fill me with what He will; to fill me with His dreams, desires, and plans for me; to fill me with His will.

What makes this surrender particularly agonizing is the fact that the fulfillment of my dreams, desires, and plans was never denied or withheld. Instead, all that was asked was if I would give up pursuing all these good - albeit unrealized - things on my own in exchange for the Best, for the Best that is yet unknown. It's a classic game show laban-bawi situation...hold on to what is in hand and within reach or risk it all for the unseen pearl of great price? Would I lay all my fondest hopes at His feet and let them die there? And would I have sufficient faith to wait for Him to replace all these with His own, which could very well be the same things I dreamed for myself, or then again, entirely different dreams? Would I actually trust that all things really and truly and actually work for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purposes? Did I honestly believe that He knows and wants only what is best for me? You probably know the answer to that by now, but the "yes" came not without very great difficulty. That's what probably shames me most - that I had the temerity to doubt, for more than a split second, His infinite wisdom. Abraham was in my thoughts and prayers the entire time I lay everything He asked me to on the altar - the "Isaacs" of my life, that I'd always believed had come from Him (then again, as Job would probably argue, the Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away!). But the jury is still out on whether my "Isaacs" will be spared by the scapegoat sacrifice or whether they'll be drawn and quartered and thrown into the frying pan. Come what may, everything's in His capable hands now, time to do nothing else but trust.


And thus, right this moment I can't take charge of my life, much less others', because He's totally in control of mine, and I willingly let Him take over the steering wheel: I'm way too tired to drive anyway. It's a time of surrender, submission, and subservience. I'm only too happy and relieved to follow instead of taking the lead. Truly, this is what a work in progress is all about...a few more dizzying times around the wheel as the Potter lovingly slaps and shapes an ugly blob of clay into a work of Art. And that stupid piece of mud should realize that it is futile and exceedingly foolish for her to resist.

Sometimes I forget that He has to slap our hands free of what we cling to so He can fill them with what He wants us to receive, so He can fill them with Himself, Who alone is worth clinging to. Lesson learned and still being learned, how quick we humans forget. In my weakness, His strength is perfected! May I never say I am strong in any way except through the love of my Savior.

Detachment. Temperance. Trust. And above all, love. New lessons that He's been teaching; tough lessons, but through His grace I pray I make the grade.

God bless you, God loves you. By the way, I love carpaccio too, but not as much as I love God. Or as much as I love you. :-)