Love Christ, Love His Church

I’d forgotten I’d kept a copy of this letter, written almost a year ago, only hours after one of the great “landmark” experiences on my journey Home – I guess it probably best captures, although not completely (there was one more “landmark” up ahead) how I came to fall in love with the Church. There are some incidents that are repeated in other reflections, but I kept them intact nonetheless; I suppose that the fact that I always seem to mention them highlights their significance. The addressee is someone who played a pivotal role in my coming to know Christ, but with whom I have parted paths since.

Dearest *******,

Like I told you earlier, the intensity of being led towards this was something I could not ignore during this morning’s prayer time – indeed, I did not even mean to bring it into prayer with me, but was nevertheless immediately gripped by it even as I began to approach Him. It was so overwhelming that I had to ask the Lord to allow me respite to regain my bearings, and to pray over it some more without being overly consumed by sudden emotion. Yet even now, after having allowed many hours to pass, and to preoccupy myself with other things in an attempt to moderate my sentiments and allow feelings to settle, I am still strongly affected. I suppose that the past several days' experiences and meditations have built up towards this; you already have some idea as to how I have been moved, but I suppose I never can quite orally articulate the extent of what I mean to say. And so I write.

What has been overwhelming me with inexplicable intensity is a sudden – almost violent – increase in my love and concern for the Catholic Church. The circumstances over the last few days may have contributed greatly to this, but as He speaks to us through our circumstances, I cannot help but to hearken.

I do not completely comprehend my heart’s burning attraction to the bride of Christ – especially since only a few months ago my sentiments towards the brotherhood of Christians outside the Church were more “magnanimous.” I used to believe that, after all, we loved and worshipped the same Lord and God; in fact, I had naïve notions that we as recipients of the gifts and charisms of the Holy Spirit had more in common with the “Born Again” Pentecostals than with the other members of our Catholic family! And yet my heart now tells me I was far from the truth, for reasons I cannot yet even begin to explain.

I want to share with you that last night, when we attended the VCF (Victory Christian Fellowship) activity, I was asking God for forgiveness for not being able to find in myself the freedom or willingness to worship Him with the same abandon. Though I did not have the slightest animosity towards our fellow Christians – in fact, I was moved many times by their sincere devotion - I had a very strong sense of not belonging. The cross I had hidden under my shirt felt like it was burning through the cloth, begging to be exposed; I could also feel the burning gaze of the usherette beside me as she stared at us obvious first-timers who she probably concluded were “seekers.” She would occasionally break out in tongues, and I suppose she would have the shock of her life if these silent strangers in the back row did the same.

The only word I could use to describe that particular Sunday worship is – “incomplete.” I had worshipped God many times under the same night sky, under the same stars, but I thank Him for the appreciation of the fullness of His sacrifice in the truest form of corporate worship! Minutes later, at Mass, I was so transfixed by His image on the cross and the love I could feel radiating so warmly from that direction. The ceremonies, the rites, the vestments, the symbols – every single one was laden with thousands of years worth of meaning, handed down from one Christian to another over the millenia, from Jerusalem to Greece to Rome to Saint Michael’s parish in Fort Bonifacio. The celebration of the Sacrament of the Holy Eucharist in that steaming-hot church with the hokey-sounding organ and all the sweaty children, was the most beautiful experience of my day. We received the Lord’s own flesh and blood, broken once again to heal us, and we had worshipped in the way He Himself had taught us to! I am not sure if we were the only ones in that church last night who knew exactly what had happened, but I praise Him for the great gift of being able to partake in such a magnificent celebration.

Now you know all too well that I would be the last person anyone would expect to be a zealous defender of the Catholic faith. I had absolutely no religious instruction (except for the few sessions required before First Communion); my parents are not even sure that any of us has been confirmed. We had to be dragged or otherwise threatened with the fires of hell to get us to Mass; when we grew older it was to each her own, and I fell away from the Church numerous times in adolescence and young adulthood. Mass became an “option,” confession an unthinkable horror. I used to explain away my “selective” faith by condemning the Church as anachronistic and detached from the realities of the world; when I became a feminist it was the patron of patriarchal evils. I believed in Jesus, but it was a user-friendly relationship; I loved Him – or at least thought I loved Him – but did not appreciate His Church. I used to think I was oh-so-smart and (like my friends) oh-so- progressive-minded with all these pseudo-intellectual convictions condemning the Church. But the truth was, I knew absolutely nothing…I was just running my brain and mouth on the basis of assumptions about Catholicism, without a single thing to back up my distorted illusions.

But I know the Lord had His reasons for me to stay Catholic because of one incident, several years ago, which I have never forgotten. Sometime in 1991, Ken Angliongto, one of my best friends from college, became a Born-Again Christian. Since one of the basic rules in evangelization is to “sow the seed” on ground that seems to be the most fertile, it’s a sad testimony to the moral quality of our large group of friends that Ken believed me to be the most receptive to the Good News. I still remember that evening in Canimog when he started talking to me about how Jesus changed his life (this is my ex-“Satanista” animator friend) and inviting me to the same relationship. I recall being deeply moved and open to the idea, except for one thing. Ken had left the Catholic church (he is a very sleepy person; and his favorite nap time was Mass – not just the sermon, but the entire celebration!) and embraced Christianity outside it. And I suddenly had strong convictions about leaving the Holy Church. I told Ken that changing “religion” would be like changing one’s name – although I have hated my Christian name for as long as I can remember, there must be some reason, some history behind being called “*bleep*bleep*bleep*.” Once I’d found that reason and learned that history, then I could make an informed decision about rejecting it.

Today I have found that reason – and I continue to find it everyday as I learn about the history of the Catholic Church. As my mind is much too skeptical for its own good, I can only say that it has been through the grace of revelation of the Holy Spirit that I have been able to accept and embrace the truths of the Catholic faith. This process of acceptance is slow but progressive; it is only through God’s grace that I have great conviction of the necessity of the Sacrament of Reconciliation, the importance of the Blessed Virgin Mary and the communion of saints, the significance of the Sacrament of the Holy Eucharist. And yet there are so many teachings of faith that I remain ignorant of, and the richness of the history and tradition of the Church over the last two millennia is a vast ocean I have not yet even begun to wade into.

This is already a little over-long, but herein I will state my point. Some of us have been blessed with solid formation in the doctrines of the Catholic faith, or at the very least, with an appreciation for and an ardent desire to be further enlightened by the teachings of the Church. But it is unfortunate – I go as far as to say distressing, given certain recent events – that the great majority of Catholics, including and especially those within community, know very little about the Roman Catholic faith.

Indeed, we are relatively secure in our growing faith as Christians, and devote our daily efforts to loving our Lord and Savior and following His Word. And yet, as renewed Catholics who have the fullness of both a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and the fellowship of His one true Church, we have for the most part paid little attention or devoted less effort to building up the Bride of Christ.

One thing you once said struck me hard: “The one distinctive characteristic of Catholics is ignorance.” I cannot agree with you more. It breaks my heart to attend Mass and find that many do not observe the solemnity of the celebration or appreciate the rites – I should know, I used to be the same. Most Catholics cannot quote scripture; most Catholics cannot even defend Christ. And yet, we, as renewed Catholics, are changing all that – equipping ourselves with the necessary armaments to be staunch defenders of the faith. Then again, we have to ask ourselves, what faith?

We may be arming ourselves with all the weapons to counter attacks against Christianity and to conquer the world with the Good News. Yet I cannot help but observe that we have an Achilles’ heel – the one vulnerable spot we have left unprotected. We are defenders not just of the Christian faith, but of the Catholic faith. As I have recently come to realize, the potential attacks come from right within our own Christian ranks. And the most hurtful thing is that our fellow warriors know exactly where to strike.

Anyway, I’ve exhausted myself for the moment – I’m pretty sure I’ve exhausted you too! But this is pretty much how I feel about it right now. I suggest that we start to build up our arsenal to advance and protect the Catholic faith, side by side with the continued acquisition of Christian weapons. We know that true Christianity necessarily includes Christ’s universal Church, but we must make that truth all the more evident if we identify ourselves as defenders of the faith.

God bless you. I have never been so thankful to be – or more “aware of my heritage as a Catholic” in my entire life.

Yours always in Christ,
Honey

4 April 2004