C'est Moi

I feel like I've just come out from living under a rock. Or from a nuclear shelter where I'd been hiding out from the rest of the world since goodness knows when. It's a weird kind of reorientation – kind of like being kidnapped by aliens and then beamed back down after what feels like an eternity, to a whole new world. Well, not entirely new, but to lots of things that are strange and, so as not to mislead anyone, truly wonderful.

Miles is aghast at how I’d very quickly slipped "out of the loop": I used to be her walking enyclopedia of pop culture, and the goings-on and the ins-and-outs of the city. And now, whenever she talks about this place or that, this TV show or that, this personality or that, all she gets is a blank stare. It doesn't have anything to do with my renewal in the Faith - in a few days, it'll be four years since my conversion, which has never kept me from being the real "me." Or by my embracing my call as a lay missionary working with He Cares, although I've learned to value my resources and set priorities and (try to) turn away from things and actions and relationships not pleasing to the Lord. But for a good part of the last year, it somehow felt like I was on another planet, living some other person’s life. This is one of the main reasons I hate inauthentic people: it is so much of a PITA - yes I say a$$ even if I don't spell it (hey, everyone has one, and even a hole in one) - for me to be less than authentic myself. I realize tonight that it makes me madder than a bovine disease not to be me.

And hello, this is ME, warts and all. Let’s not pretend to be someone I'm not, or apologize for what I am. And this is me: I like Madonna (her music, if not her lifestyle) and house music and rock and roll and U2 and disco and senti soul and Barry Manilow and Rey Valera. I have rhythm and can dance up a storm and even a mean salsa if you’re up to it, but only if I'm up to it as well. I can sing along to Narda now, much to our new household kid Rommel's delight, because I'm listening to my old stations again, at TOP VOLUME. I adore Project Runway and Queer Eye and do not give a flying funicular about Kapuso or Kapamilya or showbiz gossip shows. I like taking "our kids" out on a well-deserved Sunday treat without feeling like I've deprived them of anything - nay, without feeling like I've deprived myself of anything, poor me. I don't mind getting dirty or messy or muddy but I also love high heels and make-up and dressing up nicely if not expensively – and pulling off looking like a million bucks for a couple of hundred. I like the day-end "buzz" and can still drink like a sailor, as long as I don't drink to get drunk or for the wrong reasons, but you better hold your liquor well, and your disposition, if you want to drink around me. I enjoy a good meal, whether it be in a carinderia or an expensive restaurant, as long as you don’t limit me to either kind of place. I say "darling" a lot. Even if I’m a gurrrrl, I know I can rock-and-roll and go on all those wild adventures with the boys and kick a$$ but I need my pedicure afterwards. I am allergic to wimps, and if my being a strong woman puts you off, then darling, you'd be better off staying away...far away. If you mess with my friends, I'll come over to your house and beat you black and blue (well, not really, but you'll feel like I did exactly that). You know it when I don't particularly like you because I consider you non-existent if you happen to be in the same room. And, if I totally lose all respect for you, I thank God for the love and the good times, but burn bridges. Seriously.

Many people have told me to my face that I'm some kind of saint – or getting there, at least. I really hate to disappoint them, but this is ME; these are my faults. A lot of rough edges that need smoothing out and dirty smudges that still need cleaning by the Heavenly Handyman, but this is essentially me. Yes, an aspirant to "sainthood" with a lower case "s," and always a work in progress. God's not done with me yet, but His grace builds on our nature, and if it's my nature to like to dress up or laugh a little too loudly at your jokes or expect you to live up to whatever gifts and take hold of whatever blessings He's given you, then forgive me for being me. I hope you accept - and at least try to love - me the way He does. And I’ll try to do the same…darling.